(Avoiding) the national anthem
9th April 2012
It’s been quite awhile since baseball was considered “America’s past-time.” Football is the dominant sport, and social networking may be the most uniformly adopted hobby ever, but even as the audience continues to dwindle, baseball remains uniquely American. Often lumped in with such comparisons as apple pie and cutthroat capitalism, baseballs run like white blood cells through America’s veins. Which is why, more than any other sport, I find it impossible to sit through the National Anthem.
Post 9/11, the U.S. of A. entered an era of hyper-patriotism from which we’ve yet to calm. No doubt we’re closer to a level near normal where you can openly criticize foreign policy and pine for summers in Paris, but tension remains as the Bush call for vigilance still echoes off the hardened men and women of the 21st Century. Publicly criticizing America in general, bringing into question the depth of your own patriotism, can birth a front page headline depending on your city of residence and how thin the news is that day. This sensitivity isn’t enforced by government of course, but it is perpetuated through social paranoia and the expectation of unquestioned support amongst one’s peers.
So what could become then of an unfortunate soul, overcome with excitement and the pressure of thirty thousand faces, who stumbles through the National Anthem at a Giants’ night cap? Boo’ed from the pulsing mass, comprising into a single hateful behemoth and derided by possibly millions more watching their greatest failure unfold live on television, they’d be forever stained and their children would undoubtedly burn themselves repeatedly with cigarettes in an attempt to cleanse themselves of their wretched surname. More than an honor, it feels more like commanding a perfect pirouette from the barrel of a gun. The pressure is, simply, too much for me to watch.
The internet is littered with dozens of “National Anthem Fail” videos capturing seemingly decent people embarrassing themselves under a spotlight brighter than a hangover sunrise. Why would anyone volunteer to belt out the Star Spangled Banner in front of so many video enabled phones and potential Facebook uploads? I’ve been blessed with golden pipes, a singing voice that has returned women their virginity, and even I would rather piss on home plate then subject myself to the possibility of such scrutiny.
Everyone’s familiar with Roseanne Barr’s infamous rendition before a Padre’s game in 1990 and Carl Lewis’ miscarriage of the anthem in ‘93, but what of actual performers? Singer, songwriter and sexual astronaut Michael Bolton needed a cheat sheet on his hand just to remember the lyrics. The legendary Robert “Gonnagetcha” Goulet was invited to sing the National Anthem (even though he was a born Canadian) prior to the Ali/Liston fight in ‘65. Instead of “dawn’s early light”, he crooned “the dawn’s early night”. Goulet butchered the anthem and Liston took a dive. That’s the kinda shit that occurs when you don’t have your stripes crossed and your stars dotted. If Michael Bolton and Bobby Goulet can’t get it done, what are you doing even trying?!!!
I propose, going forward, that the “the Banner” be sung with less solemnity. Let’s allow for some creative liberty and the opportunity to laugh at ourselves a bit. Kazakhstan’s anthem is hilarious! Are we, as Americans, going to be beaten at anthem parody? By Kazakhstan? If it were sang in celebration, without all the expectation, and allowed for laughter and jubilation then maybe I wouldn’t feel so anxious upon the roll of that snare drum. After all, as an American, it’s all about me.
